How to cook a (Tofu)Turkey

As you know, I’m a vegetarian. This means turkey is definitely not on the menu here. But when I was sent this “how to” a couple of years ago I laughed so hard I thought I’d share. (Some of you may have seen it doing the rounds on the internet again already, but I could read this again and again and still laugh!) I showed it to some students once, but the combination of the joke  getting “lost in translation”, and the wry humour just didn’t work…

File:Holly Berries in Snow - geograph.org.uk - 136731.jpg

Have a laugh on me:

How To Cook A (Tofu)Turkey

Step 1: Go and buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whisky

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven 

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whisky 

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens 

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskys of drink 

Step 7: Turk the bastey 

Step 8: Whisky another bottle of get 

Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer 

Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whisky 

Step 11: Bake the whisky for 4 hours 

Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey 

Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick 

Step 14: Turk the carvey 

Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch 

Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey 

Have fun cooking your Christmas dinner, whatever it is! 😉

(P.S. Just for the record, not only do I not eat turkey… I don’t drink whisky either! 😀 )

31 thoughts on “How to cook a (Tofu)Turkey

  1. While I don’t eat turkey, I’m not averse to the odd glass of whisky – so I may be trying at least half of your recipe over Christmas! Do you have a ‘traditional’ alternative to turkey on Christmas day?

    • 😀 At my parents’ house I usually just have all the trimmings, but this year I’ll be cooking Christmas dinner myself, here in Germany, and we’re having an old favourite: Rose Elliot’s carrot and pine nut roast. It’s very quick and easy and tastes wonderful!

  2. OMG: having reached this, all I am wondering about is the humour of my friends or ‘friends’ ? May share with a few I think will still acknowledge posts next year!!!!!! Absolutely hilarious and actually VERY CHristmassy!! Thank you and may you have one you like!!!! love Eha

  3. Pricless. I don’t eat meat but I drink a hot toddy of 1/2 lemon, honey to sweeten, hot water, and about 2 tablespoons of whiskey if I feel that I getting a cold or the flu. This will help with a cough also.

    • I like a sip of homemade liqueur on a winter night… but I have to make it last as I don’t make large quantities! I’m convinced it soothes a cold too, or is that just an excuse… 😉

      • Well, Cathy, I believe it does help a cough. It also helps ease the irritation in the lungs. I keep a bottle of Jack Daniel’s put away in the cupboard and it lasts 2 years or more. I don’t think it is an excuse to have a nip. But brandy or a good whiskey really makes egg nog taste good. I don’t make it though because of the sugar that is required to sweeten the nog.

        You will have to post how you make the homemade liqueur. My mother who was from northwestern Germany (Bau) made peach brandy but she did not drink it. Made it for my dad. I was young then and I have no idea how she made it.

        • My bottles of rum, sherry etc last ages too, as I use them mostly for cooking. I made lots of liqueurs this year – look at my recipes page and they are all under the “Syrups and Liqueurs” section. 😀

  4. Really funny (and not unlike a Christmas I experienced when newly married!!). I don’t eat meat either and prefer to be tipsy when trying to chew some of the Christmas vegetarian options served up!! It’s all part of the festive fun 🙂

    • The veggie options are often trying to look and taste like meat, which I’ve always found strange… we’re having a homemade nut roast! Hope you get something tasty this year! 😀

  5. Hey, was someone hiding in our kitchen last year? Substitute ‘roast’ for ‘turkey’ and ‘wine for ‘whiskey’… Hubby swears it won’t happen again 😉
    To be fair, the stress level was unusually high, with Angel having been dropped on our doorstep 3 days earlier…
    Merry Christmas, Cathy, and thanks for the giggle!

    • Wow, was it just 3 days before Christmas?! It’s been an eventful year for you! Hope the roast goes better this time, and Merry Christmas to you too, Marie!

  6. Haha! This is hilarious!! One year I made nut roast for Christmas dinner and it was theeeee best ever! I still have dreams about that nut roast. I don’t know why I don’t do it anymore? As for fake meat, there’s an amazing Japanese restaurant in Leeds who serve vegetarian chicken drumsticks and they are incredible!!!! Better than meat! Have a wonderful Christmas Cathy 🙂

  7. 🙂 I was a vegetarian for about six years when younger but I’m ashamed to say the smell of a bacon buttie lured me back. Although I eat turkey we rarely have it at Christmas and as for whisky – only in a hot toddy if I have a really bad cold.

    • Let’s hope you won’t need any whisky then this year, Anna. I have never looked back after becoming a vegetarian, but then my partner is too – makes it easier I suppose.

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