How to cook a (Tofu)Turkey

As you know, I’m a vegetarian. This means turkey is definitely not on the menu here. But when I was sent this “how to” a couple of years ago I laughed so hard I thought I’d share. (Some of you may have seen it doing the rounds on the internet again already, but I could read this again and again and still laugh!) I showed it to some students once, but the combination of the joke  getting “lost in translation”, and the wry humour just didn’t work…

File:Holly Berries in Snow - geograph.org.uk - 136731.jpg

Have a laugh on me:

How To Cook A (Tofu)Turkey

Step 1: Go and buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whisky

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven 

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whisky 

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens 

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskys of drink 

Step 7: Turk the bastey 

Step 8: Whisky another bottle of get 

Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer 

Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whisky 

Step 11: Bake the whisky for 4 hours 

Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey 

Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick 

Step 14: Turk the carvey 

Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch 

Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey 

Have fun cooking your Christmas dinner, whatever it is! 😉

(P.S. Just for the record, not only do I not eat turkey… I don’t drink whisky either! 😀 )

Parsley the Lion

The Herbs was a UK children’s TV series in the early seventies. Each character was the personification of a herb, with their own song, and the episodes took place in the Herb Garden.

Did you ever see it?

Among others, there was Parsley the Lion, who was extremely shy, but very friendly and lovable! (His mane was of parsley!) Then Dill, the neurotic dog, who was constantly chasing his tail. Sir Basil and Lady Rosemary. And Bayleaf the Gardener! I also remember the chive choir, conducted by the schoolmaster. But when I looked up his name (Mr Onion!) memories of other characters came flooding back! Senor Solidago the singing teacher, Sage the owl, the policeman Constable Knapweed

Here are a few links. It’s dated, but charming!

Parsley’s Song

Sage’s singing lesson

The Herbs

The Herbs and episode descriptions

The Herbs Homestead

The Herbs and Parsley DVD

How Many Beans…

My Dad has a  good saying about beans:

“The 8th of May the beans will stay”

I’m not sure if he made it up, but he always sowed his runner beans on or after the 8th… and we always had tonnes of runner beans!

Well, I only have a few plants. I sowed them early in containers, so they’re sprouting already. It’s the first time I’ve tried growing them, so we will see…

Another of my Dad’s sayings:

How many beans make five?

A bean, a bean, and a half a bean, a bean and a half, and a bean!

(I have inherited my Dad’s sense of humour! 😉 )

~~~

By the way, in German, if someone refuses to listen (especially to advice) they are said to have beans in their ears. (Sie hat Bohnen in den Ohren -She’s got beans in her ears)! I suppose we would just say in English “She never listens!”

ROOOObarb!

WORD OF THE DAY:

rhubarb [ˈruːbɑːb]

Rhubarb: noun

  • a plant which has long green and red edible stalks, usually eaten sweetened and cooked
  • US and Canadian slang a heated discussion or quarrel
  • the noise made by actors to simulate conversation, esp by repeating the word rhubarb at random (also a verb)

Is it a vegetable or a fruit?

Well, celery stalks are a vegetable, so in my eyes rhubarb is too!

However, Wikipedia writes that in 1947 the US declared rhubarb to be a fruit! As a result it was categorized as a fruit for import purposes – very lucrative for the business, as tariffs were lower for fruits than vegetables! (Someone must have had interests in a rhubarb farm abroad! LOL!)

The garden variety used for cooking is Rheum x hybridum. The leaves are toxic, containing oxalic acid, but the stalks have been used as an ingredient in fruit pies ever since sugar became readily available… without other sweet fruits or added sugar the stalks are so sour that they are barely edible! Sweeter young stalks are now sold in early spring as they are grown in hothouses.

Garden rhubarb can also be “forced” by raising the temperature – usually with an upturned bucket over the new shoots, or with a more sophisticated pot made especially for the purpose. In parts of northern England rhubarb is cultivated outdoors and then in the winter moved into sheds which are heated. The resulting shoots which sprout in the dark are tender, sweeter and paler than normal rhubarb. (See this article on the Rhubarb Triangle)

I’ll be posting a recipe for rhubarb tomorrow, so if you don’t have any in the garden, go and buy some! 😉

I remember watching an ancient film with Eric Sykes in it called “Rhubarb, Rhubarb”. The only word uttered in the whole 30-minute film was “rhubarb”! Five minutes of it is funny, but half an hour gets a bit tedious, even though the cast was excellent (with Jimmy Edwards, Beryl Reid, Roy Kinnear, Charlie Drake…).

Sadly there doesn’t seem to be a YouTube clip of it anywhere…

… There is however another famous rhubarb:

“Roobarb”

Roobarb is a disagreeable green dog who is full of silly ideas, and his neighbour –  Custard – is a pink cat  who takes great pleasure in laughing at Roobarb’s mishaps! Does anyone remember this cartoon?

Click on the picture of Roobarb to see the cartoon intro!